November 28 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 11 Daily Meditation Alcoholics Anonymous Today's Daily Reflections: "attraction not promotion, being open, honest and willing to be ourselves…" To thine own self be true! The truth will out… Odd really, that telling the truth is attractive to someone somewhere. Actually the truth is most attractive, because we can make good decisions and deal with truth. It is the half-truth, the half lies which taunt and undermine everything. Everyone is different in the fellowship, similar problem, similar needs and yet everyone is different. We need all the differences to share the message, how else would we attract people? Promote and we can be lost in a fantasy which is completely unrealistic… We can't fix people!
Video For Today:
A few years ago, my girlfriend at the time who was also and still is in the fellowship somewhere said, "stick around in the fellowship and you will hear your story," is absolutely true. Mind you, you might not hear your complete story from one person, their experience, strength and hope, will no doubt bring forth recollections and flashbacks. And by the time we have been around a while, we will have heard our complete story from a great many sources about what it was like back in the day, which drove us bonkers and to drink. And today we keep on hearing the experience, strength and hope which keeps us sober on a daily basis. Conscious contact with a great many people living recovery one day at a time is very attractive to me. No single person seems to have a complete answer to all the problems of the world, let alone how to keep sober and be fixed…
I mentioned recently sharing my situation and what happened over the years to a store assistant, who had badly hurt her arm as a consequence of falling down drunk. A few weeks later, as if by coincidence, I met the same store assistant in the same store. She remembered me, but said nothing of the conversation until I said, "I just went to a really good meeting of AA," and she asked me about it and was genuinely interested. I will never know if this person will need our fellowship, at least they will have an inkling that fellowship is fun, horribly wonderful and the very last place an alcoholic would wish to end up. Genuinely interested in fellowship, not me thankfully. A seed of knowledge sown, not just for their benefit, but for the benefit of anyone they may encounter in the future with a situation where alcohol is not working any more… A message shared and I will be forgotten, a perfectly imperfect moment where nothing got fixed, just for a day…
The old life, where step six, the defects of character as they are called are rampant. All the things which we might feel are negative in our emotional and spiritual psyche. Step seven, the new life, working on our shortcomings which are the positives in our emotional and spiritual psyche: courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing and growing self-esteem and confidence. The old life, where we fixed our feelings with a drink, so we could cope with reality, the new life where we don't fix our feelings at all, we experience them and live them and cope with reality when we can. We will still have elements of character from step six which can bother us daily and look to the good in step seven and our new living. Understanding that we will always have every feeling based on our current experiences, this is the key to balance, recognising our mood and how it impacts on our thinking and our actions. We become far more attractive characters; open, honest and willing to tell the truth and not trying to fix things by bending it in any given moment on any given day…
Truth is the spiritual foundation of living, being truthful and coping in the moment of now. Anonymity provided me and I can only speak for me, with the sanctuary to understand the difference on a daily basis between truth and fantasy. I have a rich imagination and relish telling tales and tall stories about the possibilities of life. My head may be in the clouds some of the time, hopefully, my feet on steady ground all of the time? Well nearly, almost, maybe… Progress not perfection, just for today…
DonInLondon 2005-2011
A newcomer says in a meeting “there is nothing wrong with the twelve step process, but there is something wrong with you lot, this is my last meeting and you lot talk fucking bollocks.” He may be right, as we work out what to do with our bollocks one day at a time. We chatted after the meeting and he was convinced he would take care of his own bollocks. I hope he can, and if not the door is always open, after all its just for a day…
I work with attraction not promotion today. As I have come to understand, attraction is “what you see is what you get.” And promotion is more of a fixing nature, a guarantee of success. I am attracted to the good, the bad and the ugly as we share experience strength and hope. And we redeem ourselves in what we do daily. Our consequences are what they are. How we live sober improves our outlook today…
I am attracted to these spiritual principles to live life "real" ~ "Forgiveness" "Acceptance" "Surrender" "Faith" "Open-mindedness" "Honesty" "Willingness" "Inventory" "Amends" "Humility" "Persistence" "Spiritual-Living" "Service"
November 28 2010: attraction not promotion. Is it better to be open and honest, with "what you see in fellowship is what you get in fellowship?" I for one found it difficult, not perfect ever, it took several attempts before sober stuck. Rarely have we seen a person fail once we understand how to be sober one day at a time...
November 28 2010: warts and all! Promotion by personality can lead back to illusions of power rather than powerlessness over people places and things. We lean on the many for support, not individuals or they fall trying to save us. Unity and strength in fellowship, love the foundation of all we do for each other...
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AA Daily Reflections ~ "ATTRACTION, NOT PROMOTION" Through many painful experiences, we think we have arrived at what that policy ought to be. It is the opposite in many ways of usual promotional practice. We found that we had to rely upon the principle of attraction rather than promotion. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp. 180-81
While I was drinking I reacted with anger, self-pity and defiance against anyone who wanted to change me. All I wanted then was to be accepted by another human simply as I was and, curiously, that is what I found in A.A. I became the custodian of this concept of attraction, which is the principle of our Fellowship’s public relations. It is by attraction that I can best reach the alcoholic who still suffers. I thank God for having given me the attraction of a well-planned and established program of Steps and Traditions. Through humility and the support of my fellow sober members, I have been able to practice the A.A. way of life through attraction, not promotion."
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November 28 2007
DonInLondon - ‘Day In The Life’ Affairs Of The Heart
Love is
Letter to a friend:
Thanks for asking I am ok this morning. End of Story on me for now!
More about what you say, and this is just for you, or however you feel about sharing it .
In your situation, and I have been in it because it's a maturity thing, as much as anything, the hateful aspect of realising another can wound us so profoundly is absolute torture and makes us feel a pain inside as harsh as a bullet. And the anxiety and panic of loss is awful. When another wounds us by their behaviour so badly, we want to turn the clock back, forget what they have or are doing and get them back to where life was safe and love seemed to be as strong and mutual as ever it was.
I have read we hurt ourselves when we love, that the love we lavished is our pain and not that of our lover, they may be free and clear. Sadly it is so. Not for any reason other than they do not love us as we love them. That is an awful truth to feel.
Love and Hate
When we are really sensitive caring and loving, and we love unconditionally as we learn from our family and how we prefer to be, then we are truly cut so deep we cannot believe the truth. The truth is we have loved a person who we knew was not perfect and at the same time we cannot live without them it may seem. Even though they are not perfect, we love them and we know its all of them we love.
We put a lot of faith into a person, and then we find they are not the person we ever imagined. I wonder about the man you love, and wonder really if they realise the impact they have had. The short answer is no. And the long answer is everything you feel and experience right now. Somehow we would share our feelings with our lover, the truth is they cannot feel this way.
Everything you say about the maturity of the man you love you know is true. Don't forget we can love a person and hate their behaviour. We hate what they are doing and yet we still love them. Mad we can be with grief and the awfulness is devastating.
We can ask ourselves, did I plan it this way, did he plan it this way? In the end we know full well love will make us do many things. With a sober and understanding nature we can love people with so many flaws they will drive us to distraction. At the same time when we deal with a person who is still finding out who they are and have not grown up enough to love themselves, let alone another, we are in hard hostile territory.
People we love. they come in so many categories, from family to friends to lovers and then the one we feel most comfortable with to be a lifelong partner. And with all our efforts and intimacy, and everything we know, we want that partnership.
We are often led by our needs than by realities. I have loved and wanted to find that one woman for me, and found her more than once, and that is a product of me being older, and only just wisdom learned.
As I said I hope we grieve loss of partners and often with deeper feelings when they have left us and gone their own path.
Somehow we need have our tears and our adjustments to our new reality. I am glad you decided to keep the gift as it means more to you than to your partner now gone. We don't have to be bitter or twisted forever, just recognise the pain and hurt.
How to Heal
You are doing marvellously in many ways. You are facing as much as you can in manageable chunks, as the days go by. Its ok to feel sorrow, it is not self-pity or poor me. Its grieving a huge loss.
Looking for connection to them again is very human and we will it so, as much as we can. This is me writing about me, and still in the deep of me I wonder why I want them back? Because we don't stop loving them of course. We don't need or want their behaviour but we want and feel the need of our lover? I know this was me, and I don't know you too well, so I may be off in my thinking.
When a person starts to recover their wits or just plain grow up some, everything changes. And we who are bereft feel these changes horribly, and the lover? Cannot feel as we do, for they have not developed that capacity in their youth or growing years. We do not need the child they have become again with everything to learn, we want what they have not got in essence, they don't know how to love and need learn it. If only they could have learned it with us!
My most significant other, she is well when last heard of, and was happy. And for that I am grateful. I am glad and would thank her for leaving me, I needed to grow too. Together I felt it would have worked, but in reality she had not ever grown up. And then I really turned to drink. I am glad you don't, it solves nothing and prolongs the pain. And so now I play catch up with my loving capacities. We start from scratch again with wisdom of the years, or worse hang ups of the years!
Keeping a safe routine, looking after your good self and having as many angry moments as one needs is really good processing of feelings and letting go as we may.
And you have summed up where your partner is.
As to where to share and what to do. Al Anon, I have no experience, although I have been told it may help me understand my Dad and his alcoholism. Actually I don't need to as AA is good enough. And for years I was either in counselling or counselling others. Much of what felt like theory over the years has become experience with the passing of the years.
Your expression through the blog or any journal can help. Letting go in digestible chunks. but things go around and around for ages. This is plain normal.
Cherish
We do learn to cherish again, and cherish what was, we can be happier knowing our side of things and what we did was right. We can live more freely as we realise we are letting go a burden and the knowledge that our love was never wasted, as we have more love in us when we are healed enough. We learn sooner that we need see the mistakes made before and not repeat them.
Who can help?
Friends, to an extent, counsellors to an extent. As you say though, how many times need you explain this again and again. The answer is until you feel more secure and happier in yourself. We live life and experience, we don't do so well suppressing and denying our feelings, or they come back when we are in new relationships.
Best to
Best to stick with truth and be honest, feel it and then utilise it as experience for what happens next, and not repeat patterns which lead to same scenarios.
What I have had to do
Was let go the lover who was everything I could ever have wanted. Actually I did not let her go, she ran for the hills! A sensible Lady I feel these days. And why let go completely? Because of her experiences, she is changed beyond anything I might recognise today. And for me? I too have changed. No matter what, I still value every loving moment we had together, and know it is beyond my reach forever. And letting go means we can love again..
When we do move on and start again, we can be more clear on boundaries and truth and honesty. It may help to an extent, and still people are people…
Now
My recent encounters with affairs of the heart have come to nothing in truth. I have my vulnerabilities as you most likely know from my journals on the web or you tube. And this is for as many reasons to do with me, as women who I can adore from a distance. Its safe until cupids arrow hits me again!
I need not hurt anyone as badly as I have been, or by any superficial behaviour and would cherish a partner as time unfolds the plot. We don't really choose who we love, it just happens somehow. So I need be prepared and ready by letting go and making room to grow and be there if it ever happens. I can hope, and smile when I write this today.
Meanwhile being single and free to develop myself and outlook, with a clear head is best. Build confidence or just get it back. Not ego or thin living with nothing to back it up.
People grow together or apart. We can hang in there too long and the pain is a great it can be.
Keep well and be comfortable with yourself, I know as you write you are worth it, and life may well turn around as you get back to being your true self,
regards Don
28th November 2006
Where and what Next
Odd time of year to ponder on where and what next, especially when it can feel difficult to put one foot in front of the other. What is going on? The world seems tired of itself in my eyes, as if things are winding up. And the hardness of conflicts drifting across decades can only serve to put pressure on people to give up their notions of revenge. We might hope, yet it seems the capacity to fear and hate the world is ever present and resentments run deep in lives lost to causes they don’t even understand.
There is much doom and gloom about. It weighs heavily on me sometimes. I know its not my place to feel the pain of others, I need only feel my own. My own pain these last couple of days has come about because of ailments I have, not because of anything bigger than me. But the two do go together and can drag me down.
I resolve to make the most of and be good and kind, to respect borders and boundaries, to be responsible for my own feelings and outcomes. And with support from a fellowship things do work themselves out.
Too many connections at the moment. Too many people feeling things I cannot be involved in, I need make the boundaries and not be sucked into disparate and unhelpful undermining of my principles and values. Making do is no good on some simple elements of life.
When I hear others glumness and disparity these days it really can be difficult to insulate from it, and truthfully too many have fallen for old mind tricks and denials recently. This makes for hard times, as pulling myself up to level and balance seems to be undermined by propping up others. Indeed this is the nub of the disaffection. That my path works and others merely pay lip service to simple understandings which can really work well, if we let them.
Some are really wrapped up tight in melodies of old songs which play to weakness rather than fortitude and faith. Some believe in magic, some belief in father Christmas. Some believe in old notions and magic potions. Actually all we need do is work towards reality and truth to make good much of what makes the world fall down.
Now I have said all this, I realise its just me reacting to other peoples outlooks which don’t suit me. As usual my only complaint really is in me, and maybe not quite accepting reality today.
I have been cycling, which helps me get around, walking has been as painful as can be for weeks, and no amount of medication will cure the malady. It is forever. And so is the clinical depression. Non-reactive and prone to return on its own, it does and has done so recently. This is where my irritation overwhelmed me. And not accepting it. The more I accept the better I feel rather than playing the game of it will be ok, when in fact none of these things are ok, they are part of living.
I guess its me listening to denials in my own mind, then encouraged by others in the denials, a sort of colluding.
Tonight
I spoke out and quick vividly on the subject of faith and understanding. Per se faith works and does a power of good. As does good conscience and living to a code of principles which works for me,
Codes and Ethics
I know mine are pretty clear, and to a great extent I am able to be myself and live with them. When I don’t that is where the trouble starts. And especially little white lies of others I don’t challenge. For indeed its not my business to challenge others and their behaviour, unless of course it is affecting me. And this maybe is the key. Maybe I may need to challenge and be supportive at the same time, and yet I know the path to self-awareness is better learned with patience. Good conscience helps me let go my impatience. But right now maybe its my patience which is lacking.
I don’t wish for deceit or delusions, or to have them shared with me, and the sin of omission is one big one for me.
I feel I had not been as honest and challenging as I may be. And yet feel at a disadvantage because of me. It seems times always come to end those things which give so much unhelpful space to other people’s stuff in my head. Time to stop it and be focussed on each day as it presents. And look at where next for yours truly.
I need productive labour, and something to do beyond old skills which have worn me down. And in writing there is some cathartic relief. But not the solution. So without driving this too hard and in blind panic, I need consider how to make the best of what I have, and deploy myself usefully. There is a lot that I can do, and see its time to look out. And not look back.
The incapacities being what they are have taught me a hard lesson this last week, and its not always with grace and acceptance that I look at my situation. Especially when in reality I am living now beyond my means, simple utilities have made life pretty tight in my economy. And this is something to consider, how and what next. Failure would be to avoid the obvious, and acceptance is actually working out what to do beyond just being alive, which actually was all I might have done over recent times. So some practical steps and questions need be raised by me I feel, with who is yet to be determined..
Anyway apart from all that and the fact that I have been sorely tested just walking, I am ok in my head. Letting out the crap and putting it to paper makes for next steps, I will have to apply myself even more to practical matters.
A possible change of address
A sign has gone up outside the property I am living in advertising it for let, which must mean changes are afoot. And so change will happen. Powerless over this I accept it, just maybe I need ask what I may do to cooperate in next steps which are beyond my control. I don’t enjoy this but know there is nothing to do but cooperate as best I may. Not easy and best find out how..
Overall
Its been good, those I know, I know where they are and what is occurring except in one instance, which I guess causes me much consternation, and is certainly beyond my influence, and that I accept too, with enough reluctance for it to hurt me, and yet enough to let go and move on, for indeed moving on is all part of what will happen now. Best go with the flow, and be able to have happy moments as its probably time to pack up and move on.
When is not in my power to know, most likely sooner than later. As forces of this world are far greater than my influence to find a path which might suit me, and no one else. That’s life and real life. The spiritual connection is in accepting and living the change, as I may and with good conscience, and not the bitterness of self will run out and run down.
I am and may be happy, a roof over my head, and a fellowship to help me stay close to each day, a day at a time. There is nothing more I need, and in the process work with and for the good. Good conscience is always there to help guide us all so long as we let go denial and let reality help find our way. Just for today.
Of the big world, the global enterprise of humanity, we are in poor shape today. And it will get worse as many bury their heads in the sand and do not consider all we know and how we all may live. We need learn all over the lessons of history, just merely moving minutely as civilisation creeps ahead, and often backwards in its destructive construction. Broken and rebuilding as we move along, barren wastes of humanity lost to doctrines and futile endeavours. The more we are profligate, the bigger the damage to greater numbers of humanity, we are not learning as we may. And time is short as the engines of production make scarce futures for all concerned. When we know the consequences how can we move against nature and providence so? It is in our purpose and living, lost quietly in progress to an end we might have wished different, and certainly beyond my time.
November 28th 2005
Is 'will power' to blame?
The notion of "willpower" has caused a lot of anguish in modern times. “We would all like to think that our conscious will is the master of our destiny but it takes only a brief introduction to the facts of life to realize that the truth is otherwise. No one who has ever eaten something they had already made up their mind ("willed") they would not eat-said something they had made up their mind not to say-smoked again after quitting for the umpteenth time-or experienced any of the thousands of other failures of will could possibly say they are in total, conscious control of their lives. Not seriously." I agree with this most obvious truth. The delusion that we can conquer all with our will.. The notions of our elevation to near deity has given some a problem in history, like the King who tried to turn back the tide and sea. He knew himself that he could not do this, yet tried and so demonstrated to his subjects that his will was not great enough! Canute.
And yet we find the notion of will power still fills the ego and our failure of will forever offers an opportunity for further failures. Put plainly will power will always fail. And when we look at our will, we might dig just deep enough to accept the use of will does most of us no favour and no one else any either. Good examples of wilful behaviour are abundant in public and private lives. We accept their failure and yet we wonder why they have failed.
Will power is often the quick fix, we can overcome some adversity and put right the world, our life or something in between. There is something more fundamental we can experience should we wish to investigate, put our ego to one side and our belief in our own deification... It is the ability to let go put simply. Ask yourself what would I let go today, and so make room for something new, or more of something I truly value in my life? Find something you would let go today, and see if there is more room for you...
November 28th 2004
Co-operation:
co-operation comes when there is both love for the task and trust in the special part each person plays.
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Just For Today And Every Day, Cherish Always...
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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections
AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve
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“The method of prayer & meditation. We often hear it said in meetings that the speaker "hits his knees every morning." Not being brought up Catholic or Muslim, we envisioned that slapping of the knees might be spiritually significant in A.A. When we discovered that the act of prayer was being referred to, we asked why A.A. tells us to get on our knees to pray. We were informed that A.A. makes no such suggestion. In fact, reference to praying on the knees, in the original draft of Step 7, was explicitly removed to prevent the misconception that such a practice was suggested. Moreover, to be on one’s knees as a prior condition to prayer will prevent prayer at many opportunities during the day. If you or your sponsor think that you should be on your knees for correct prayer, then by all means do so. It might just be the best way to pray. For the content of prayer, see Step 11b that follows.” BB Bunch
November 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 10 The Now Inventory
Alcoholics Anonymous | Step Eleven Reading Video Link:
November 2012 | Video Reading How It Works:
November 2012 | Video Reading Into Action :
November 2012 | Playlist All About Step Eleven:
I do not speak for Alcoholics Anonymous I speak for myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of unique and authentic people who speak for themselves where they will to share experience, strength and hope about recovery on a daily basis. Anonymity affords sanctuary to find how to live sober and be open, honest and willing to learn life day by day. For me "truth," "love" and "wisdom" offer the best spiritual experience by living reality today. Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Traditions: steps to be open, honest and willing to learn, traditions to live unity, service and recovery.
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Spiritual principles ~ Forgiveness Acceptance Surrender Faith Open-mindedness Honesty Willingness Moral-inventory Amends Humility Persistence Spiritual-growth Service
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